The terms Dom and Sub belong to the basic roles in BDSM. While the Dom leads, decides and sets the direction, the Sub is the surrendering, passive part. However, "passive" does not mean worthless or weak - on the contrary: being a sub is a conscious decision to relinquish control and allow yourself to be led with confidence.
Find restraints, gags, paddles & more to live out your dom/sub dynamic intensively, safely and playfully.
- 1 What is the role of the sub?
- 2 Sub in everyday life or only during sex?
- 3 When everyday life and BDSM roles merge
- 4 Sub doesn't always have to be female
- 5 Consensual submission: communication & safewords
- 6 Living being a sub confidently
- 7 Conclusion: The sub in BDSM - conscious surrender instead of weakness
What is the role of the sub?
The role of the sub goes far beyond "just being passive". Many submissives find it deeply arousing to consciously surrender, to be led and to voluntarily give up their control.
Depending on preference, the role of the sub encompasses different facets:
- The sub follows the dom's lead, assumes positions and responds to instructions.
- Restraints, gags and other BDSM toys can be part of the game.
- Light to more intense chastisement (e.g. with a whip or paddle) can be included if desired.
- Role-playing games such as pet play or D/s scenarios are also popular.
A sub is never "worth less". She actively decides who she gives herself to, what boundaries she sets and where her pleasure begins or ends.
Sub in everyday life or only during sex?
Many couples clearly separate their BDSM dynamic from everyday life. They meet as equals, make decisions together - and only slip into their roles as dom and sub in a play context.
What is particularly exciting is that even very self-confident, dominant people at work or in everyday life can enjoy submission in the bedroom. BDSM roles say nothing about personality or strength - they are play, expression and intimacy.
When everyday life and BDSM roles merge
Some couples also live their D/s dynamic outside the bedroom - for example as a 24/7 D/s relationship. This style emphasizes leading and following throughout everyday life, but always consensually.
This can include:
- The Dom sets rules - clothing, rituals, wording.
- The sub follows these rules consciously, voluntarily and often with pleasure.
- Rewards and punishments structure the dynamic.
This type of relationship requires a great deal of trust, clear boundaries and responsible dominance. Power here means caring, not control for the sake of control.
Sub doesn't always have to be female
Even though there is often talk of a female sub and a male dom, all genders can be a dom or sub.
There are
- dominant women & submissive men,
- same-sex D/s couples,
- Switches who sometimes dominate, sometimes submit, depending on their mood.
D/s dynamics are often combined with other kinks, e.g. cuckolding, chastity or fetish role play. The decisive factor is: consensuality and pleasure for all participants.
Consensual submission: communication & safewords
A clear framework is needed to ensure that being a sub remains pleasurable and safe. Communication is the most important tool here.
- Preliminary discussions: wishes, taboos, taboo areas, fantasies.
- Safewords / traffic light system: "red" = stop immediately, "yellow" = slow down, "green" = all good.
- Aftercare: attention after play - cuddling, talking, tea, blanket. Emotional safety is part of any good BDSM.
A sub can stop at any time or decide otherwise. A good Dom takes this seriously and creates space for physical and emotional safety.
Living being a sub confidently
Being a sub is not an expression of weakness, but of self-awareness, confidence and courage. Many subs know exactly what they need - and what they don't need.
If you want to discover your submissive side, you can:
- talk openly with your partner about fantasies,
- define rules or rituals together,
- experiment with restraints, blindfolds or gags,
- slowly feel your way with BDSM toys.
Conclusion: The sub in BDSM - conscious surrender instead of weakness
A sub does not submit blindly, but consciously. She decides who she trusts, which boundaries she opens and how she wants to experience her pleasure. With respect, safewords and good communication, the dynamic between dom and sub can be incredibly intense, sensual and bonding.
